


A Week Alone

by Lovely_Reira



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, F/M, Gen, Overdose, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-23 00:17:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9631115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovely_Reira/pseuds/Lovely_Reira
Summary: You just couldn't handle it anymore. You just wanted the pain to go away.(This is my first time writing Criminal Minds so be gentle with me. Also if you have an idea better name for this, I'll happily accept it cause this name sucks but I can't think of a better one right now)





	

It didn't make sense. Not a lick of sense. You had a fantastic job with people who you loved to work with, your boyfriend was practically perfect, and everything was fine. So why did you feel like this? There was a consistent weight in your chest. Finishing a case successfully no longer made you feel good. Going out for drinks with the team wasn't fun anymore no matter how much you smiled and laughed. Even when it was fun there was that familiar weight, the nagging voice telling you that you didn't belong, that they only let you come along out of pity. The only thing that made the pain go away was Spencer. Even that didn't last long. It was usually moments of relief before it would come crashing back. No matter how tightly he held you, the pain was only gone for so long. 

Even now you longed for the pressure of his arms around you. For the familiar, comforting scent of his cologne. All you had right now was the pillow you cradled in your arms, quiet sobs shaking you. Spencer was away on a case with Hotch, had been for about a week. You had tried calling him earlier but, he hadn't picked up. Probably was busy with the case. 

You couldn't do it any more. It hurt too much. If you kept deteriorating like this you would just become a bigger burden to the team, to Spencer. He already had so much to deal with. It was selfish of you to even consider adding you to his list of things to deal with. It would be easier for him if you just weren't around anymore. A fresh wave of hot tears slipped from your eyes at the thought. Your body began to move, almost without you being aware of its actions. It felt like the actions of someone possessed as you walked to the bathroom and opened the cabinet. There was an abundance of different medications in there including multiple different pain medications left over from hospital visits the two of you had, had. You didn't bother to look at the labels, you just pulled out all the ones you could hold onto. 

'I need something to wash it down...' you thought and headed back into your room, dumping the pill bottles onto the bed. 

You set out to the kitchen and pulled out the first thing you got your hand on in the fridge. It was a leftover beer from when Morgan had come over. You wrinkled your nose in disgust, you never understand just how he could drink this stuff. Well, it didn't matter now. Thankfully it was a twist off so you quickly took it off and tossed it into the trash, not wanting to leave a mess for Spencer. 

Back to the room. It was dark in there but, you preferred it that way. In the light you might catch a glimpse of yourself in the reflection of the window or the tv and you didn't want to see yourself right now. You grabbed one of the pill bottles and twisted them open before stopping suddenly. 

A note. You had to leave a note for Spencer. Otherwise, it was doubtful that he would let it go. You made your way to Spencer's side of the bed, he kept a pad of paper and pen there. You picked up the pen and hastily scribbled a quick note addressed to Spencer. 

'Spence, 

I love you so much. This has nothing to do with you. You were one of the only things that made all of this bearable. Please don't blame yourself because there is nothing you could have done to help. I love you. More than anything else in the world.' 

That was the most your brain could coherently get out right now. If there was a better way to express your feelings to him, you wish you knew what it was. 

Back to the bed, to the open pill bottle. It made the most sense to open them beforehand. You knew a lot of the issue with this method was not taking enough pills before falling unconscious. You didn't want that to happen to you. So one by one you opened them, careful to keep them from spilling on the bed. Once they were all open, you poured a couple into your hand at a time before popping them into you mouth and washing them down with the beer, practically gagging at the taste. 

You could feel the grogginess slowly taking hold along with the numbness from the medication. It felt nice. So did the warmth in your cheeks. All that mattered was there was no weight in your chest, no ache, no nagging voice. Just silence. You sat down on the floor at the edge of the bed, you were pretty sure you had taken enough. How many had you taken? You tried recalling the number of pills you had swallowed but, all the handfuls seemed to blend together. You reached for the beer to take another sip since your mouth had started to feel dry. Instead, you just knocked it over. 

'The carpet will smell like beer...Spence won't like that...I'm sorry Spence...' you thought, reaching out to brush your fingers against the wet spot. 

You barely noticed as the light in the hallway switched on, followed by the light in your room. You could hear a familiar voice calling out to you but, it sounded far away despite the figure being right in front of you. It was Spencer. He was home. He wasn't supposed to be, not until you were long gone. Had he always been that handsome? Your eyes began to close as drowsiness set in. You wouldn't mind having him being the last face you saw. Not one bit. 

Everything happened in bits and pieces after that. Flashes. Spencer was beside you, you could feel his fingers in your mouth and the contractions of your abdomen, then there were lots of people around you, a loud siren filling your ears. You didn't want to see these people, you wanted Spencer. Where was Spencer? The pressure on your right hand must have been him. You were causing him trouble again. So much trouble. Always trouble. The flashes stopped after that. The numb darkness taking over.

The next time you slipped into consciousness, you stayed there. There was pressure on your hand again...no not pressure, more like weight. There were far away voices and steady beeping. The sound that caught your attention most was steady breathing. 

You knew it was time to open your eyes. So that's what you did. Slowly, squinting until your eyes adjusted to the bright light. Your eyes drifted to the source of the weight on your hand. It was another hand, larger than your own. Further down was Spencer, his head resting on the bed by your side. He looked restless even in sleep. You reached your free hand over to brush a stray piece of hair out of his face, feeling the slight tug of an IV in your arm. 

"He isn't bothering you by being here, ma'am, is he? I can wake him up and have him sleep somewhere else if you'd like," a calm male voice said. 

You looked up to see a man in a nurse's uniform standing in the door way. Shaking your head in response, a slight ache in your head at the motion, you opened your mouth to speak. Your throat ached at the attempt to form words. 

The nurse seemed to understand your struggle. "There is water on the table to your left," he informed you. 

A grateful smile appeared on your lips. You gently slipped your left hand from underneath Spencer's before reaching out and grabbing the cup, shakily bringing it to your lips and taking short sips. 

"No...let him sleep...he seems tired." Your voice was horse, even after the water. 

"That isn't surprising. He has been here all night, hasn't wanted to leave your side. I'm going to send in the doctor to check on you, okay hon?" 

All you did was nod, wanting to save your voice. 

It didn't take very long for a kind looking woman to come in. "Good afternoon sweetheart. I'm Doctor Carson. I'm sure you don't feel to great right now. Head and throat are probably sore and your stomach probably doesn't feel great since we pumped it. I wish I could give you something for the pain but, given the nature of your visit, there is nothing I can do." She told you with a sympathetic smile. 

"I understand," you replied softly. 

You looked down at Spencer who was still sleeping. 

"You are lucky to have him you know. If he hadn't induced vomiting so soon then it's likely you wouldn't be in such good condition," Dr. Carson told you, "I already told your boyfriend that we'll be keeping you here for a couple days to keep an eye on your physical and mental health." 

You stroked his hair gently as she spoke to you, nodding at the doctor's words. You were in no place to complain. 

"I will also be recommending a psychiatrist I know to you. That way you can get to the root and overcome the issue that led you to this point." 

It was hard not to tell her that if you wanted to know the root of your problem you could probably have your friends profile you for it and know without dropping a bunch of money on a psychiatrist. You kept your mouth shut about it though. Instead, you asked her a question. 

"Is he mad?" 

"We saw a lot of emotions from your boyfriend since your arrival, I promise anger wasn't one of them," she assured you. 

You felt only partially relieved to hear that. Some part of you wanted him to be mad at you for burdening him once more. He never got mad at you though. Even when you deserved it. 

The slight scrunch of his nose accompanied by the flexing of his fingers and soft groans alerted the two of you to Spencer waking up. He took a few seconds after opening eyes to remember where he was before shooting up, his eyes immediately on you. Relief was written all over his face. "You're awake...You're okay..." he said, his voice soft. 

"Mr. Reid-"

"Doctor Reid," he interjected out of habit. 

"Doctor Reid, we will have to check her over soon. You'll need to leave the room then." 

Spencer looked over at her looking like a kicked puppy. After everything that had happened, he didn't want to leave your side. 

Doctor Carson smiled at him. "You have about five minutes until then." 

He nodded in response and turned back to you., speaking once she had left the room. "Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? I mean, I knew that you had been feeling down recently but, I never knew it was to this extent. I never would have left for that case if I knew," Spencer told you. 

At some point his hand had captured your own again, his thumb gently rubbing circles across the back of your hand. 

"I didn't want you to know...I didn't want to burden you anymore..." you said softly. 

"You have never been a burden to me, Y/N. Do you hear me? I love you." His voice was stern, yet filled with emotions. "Coming home and finding you like that was by far the worst moment of my entire life and that's saying something. I've never been more scared than thinking that I was going to lose you." 

"I love you too, Spence." You told him. 

The grip on your hand tightened slightly. "Then please don't leave me. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. So until you find the will to live for yourself, live for my sake. Cause I don't think I would be able to function if you...if you died. Especially if I could have done something to save you." His voice was pleading. 

You nodded slowly. You couldn't say no to him when he looked at you like that. So sad, so hopeful. He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against your forehead. 

"So does the team know?" You asked him, watching as the all of the color drained from his face. 

"Oh shit..."

You cocked your head slightly at his words. 

"I kind of forgot about work...and I left my phone back at the house. I don't even want to think about how many times they have probably called our phones."

A soft giggle slipped from your lips. "Go call Hotch before he sends Morgan to break down our door," you told him before kissing the back of his hand. 

He stood up and slipped his hand from your own. "I'll be back soon." With that he quickly left the room, only to be replaced by Doctor Carson. 

-

Less than half an hour later your room was filled with seven people, including Spencer. There were also a considerable increase of flowers in your room. 

You had received a father like lecture from Hotch. Despite his stern tone, you could tell he really cared and it made your heart swell a little bit. 

JJ and Emily had been fussing over your every need since they arrived. It was sweet of them. Though they eventually settled down a little and began joking around casually in an attempt to make you feel better. 

Morgan had been lightening the atmosphere from the moment he saw you were alright. One of the first things he said was that when you and Spencer hadn't come in one time he figured you must have gotten caught up in some nice morning sex which made you roll your eyes while causing Spencer to choke on the drink he had been sipping on. 

From Rossi you got a hair ruffle and meaningful look accompanied by him reminding you that he was here for you if you ever needed anything. 

Penelope had been near tears from the moment she entered the room and practically tackled you in a hug, making it so you had to remind her about being hooked up to an IV. She called you some weird name that you couldn't remember and told you that you weren't allowed to leave her alone cause then she would have no one to call when she wanted to nerd talk. 

Spencer stuck to your side the entire time. Well that was until the nurse came in and informed them that visitation hours were over. He seemed reluctant to leave you but, you smiled softly at him. 

"Go home, Spence. Change your clothes, eat a good meal, take a shower. I'll be here tomorrow, I promise." You assured him. 

After a couple moments he relented, kissing the top of your head. "Fine. I'll see you tomorrow then. Love you."

You repeated the words back to him and watched as you left. You felt less hopeless than you had before. Even after everything, everyone was still by your side, supporting you. For the first time in a long time, you didn't feel the slightest bit alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this is my first time writing for Criminal Minds. Please be easy on me. I hope you like what I wrote. I have limited knowledge on drug use and suicide attempts. The only thing I have any personal experience is depression and suicidal thoughts. Even then, everyone's experiences are different and handles such things differently. 
> 
> If you are contemplating suicide, please get help. Know that you are loved and important to someone, even if you don't believe it. Even if you can't think of anyone, Spencer and I both love and care about you and want you to be safe. Feel free to message me any time.


End file.
